If your answer is an emphatic ‘NO’, are you commonly angry, resentful, feeling let down and frustrated with people or humanity in general?
In her book Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution., Brene’ Brown, PhD, LMSW asked this question to research participants and found that about 50% will say “No, people are not doing the best they can,” and the other 50% will say “Yes”, but will caveat it with “I can’t be sure,” or “I know it’s naïve.” They then go on to indicate that giving people the benefit of the doubt actually makes their own lives better!
What?! If we perceive other people as doing the best they can given what they are capable of at any given moment in time it can change our lives for the better.
The research shows — Yes!
Changing the Lens
For that person in your life who gets under your skin, infuriates, frustrates and/or angers you, how does looking at them through the following lens change how you perceive them?
At this very moment, this is what this person is capable of. Whether or not this is true or not, the important thing is how I show up in the world. This is the best they can do with what they have right now. This is what they are capable of now.
Depending on each person’s own story and struggle, the best one can do is different for everyone.
Guiding principles in my own life and work
Here is an exert from my About Me page on our website…
Being in private practice as a therapist for the last 13 years has been a rewarding endeavor. I feel passionate about what I do. I tend to think the best of others, and have an intuitive understanding that as human beings we are all trying to do the best we can. It is an honor and a pleasure to get to spend my career working with others who have the courage to explore themselves on a deeper level, opening up, telling their unique stories, laughing, crying, and working through, and beyond their suffering. I love being a part of something so positive.
By seeing my clients through this lens “as human beings we are all trying to do the best we can”- it helps me to see the best in others, to be compassionate, to stay out of judgement and to be able to sit with people where they are at with patience and empathy.
In my personal life, this guiding principle has allowed me to recognize the importance of my own boundaries and need for boundaries in relationships. It has helped me to strengthen relationships. Showing integrity for myself, giving people the benefit of the doubt, all the while maintaining boundaries, has kept me out of anger and resentment.
For me, showing integrity, compassion, and boundaries has also meant letting go of an emotionally unhealthy family relationship without hate, anger, or disdain. Compassion and boundaries can’t be mutually exclusive. I share this because empathy and compassion is not at all costs. Standing up with integrity, compassion and boundaries sometimes means the healthiest thing to do is to let someone go.
Compassion and Boundaries Are Not Mutually Exclusive
Brene’ Brown, PhD, LMSW says, “What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words and actions of this person?”
By Paula B. Johnson, MS, LMHC
Executive Director, Centered Mind Counseling Services, PLLC