Despite what advertisers, movies, and social media want us to believe about the holiday season, for many it is a season of stress and exhaustion. As a therapist whose couch is full by January, I can tell you this often hectic and emotionally charged time of year can lead to new or increased anxiety and depression in adults and children alike. But rather than resigning ourselves to this reality there are ways to head into the holidays, and manage the frantic energy of the season, that can prevent anxiety and depression from increasing.
One of the components to treating anxiety and depression is learning assertiveness skills and setting boundaries. Not only can boundaries help treat anxiety and depression, but it can also help prevent it from growing. Our emotions can be important and useful tools even when unpleasant. When left to take on a life of their own, stress, disappointment, and anger will grow into one holiday “gift” you will be eager to return.
I would like to offer you three important boundaries to set over this season that will help you navigate stress and increase the peace and joy you find through your holidays:
1). First, you will need to get clear about what matters to you and your family.
There are as many “reasons for the season” as there are people in the world. What may be important to one person or family might not be for you and yours. It can be easy, especially with social media, to accidentally pick up others values. This is not always a bad thing, but it can lead to having a list of values a mile long. Mix a long list of values with a Facebook wall full of people seeming to do it all with style and grace, and you will end up spending the season in a vain attempt to do it all and look good too.
It can be helpful to make a list of all the things that you enjoy most about the holidays and what you hope to get out of this holiday season.
Then I challenge you to narrow that list down to the three most important values you hope to get out of this year’s holiday season. This is usually harder than it sounds, but give it a try!
This exercise can be a great way to really get to what matters most to you and to look at where you may be adopting values that really belong to someone else.
2). Next, with your three most important values in mind, look at the events and activities you engage in during the holidays. Figure out what you will need to say “no” to.
Again, this is easier to write about than do, so let me give you a couple strategies from assertiveness training.
Know that there is no request or invitation you have to respond to on the spot. As a people pleaser myself, I have trained myself to make my first response “I’ll think about it”. This response will give you time to think about how it fits or does not fit with your values. This response also buys you time to come up with some drafts of how to respond and time to rehearse how you will say “no”.
These last two steps are important in helping us sound assertive and confident in our decision rather than passive aggressive or like our minds could be changed if pushed a little.
Avoiding the uncomfortable feelings of saying “no” in the moment is dangerous to our well-being and health. It tends to lead to feelings of anger and resentment, these are feelings that can take on a life of their own and get us to engage in actions that will only make them stronger.
3). The last boundary that can help reduce stress during the holidays is the boundary you set around your own experiences.
Mindfulness is a skill I often teach to clients struggling with both depression and anxiety. Mindfulness, in short, is the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something (Oxford Dictionary).
Yes, this too is harder than it sounds, but there is a long and documented connection between Mindfulness and well-being.
One way to practice Mindfulness through the holidays is to adopt an observing stance any time you start to feel strong emotions, positive or negative. Stop and take notice of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings you are experiencing in that moment. Do this without judgment and notice how you feel as you center your mind back on the moment.
Sometimes the stress and feelings that come up through the holidays can feel bigger than any of the above can help with. It can be a season that highlights loneliness, triggers past unhealthy habits, or push on deep relational wounds that you have been able to avoid the rest of the year.
If your feelings of depression, anxiety, or grief feel too big for the above strategies to help; counseling may be a helpful tool. Please talk to your doctor or Contact Us at (425) 269-3277 to see if counseling may be right for you.
By Rebecca Pearce, MA, LMHC
Child and Adult Therapist at Centered Mind Counseling Services, PLLC
